she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's official drugs can't kill me
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
