I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
