Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
