I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize