im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Don't make out with my wife yet
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
