YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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