i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
