My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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