I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
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sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
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FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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