I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
