if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
