grandma shit on top of the toilet
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
