the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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