Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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