my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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