My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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