Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
