a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
