the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
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she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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