rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
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To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
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All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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