The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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