I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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