I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
