When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
