you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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