awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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