I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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