I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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