...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
