Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
