remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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