we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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