He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
