im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
being pregnant is like rehab
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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