ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
