Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
