My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
