I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
