I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
