is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
