Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
