my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
