i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
