If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
