I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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