its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
