My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
