i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
