I want you more than these girls want KFC
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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