i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
