I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
