yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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