The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
