My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
