YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Your dad touched me again.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
